Question 1: When is it appropriate to sound your horn?
Answer: An individual may sound his/her horn: To warn you that he/she (but mainly he) is intentionally driving suicidally close to another vehicle – or vice versa. To tout for business or exclaim displeasure when business is rejected. In lieu of indication devices: when about to be passed or when being passed. When merging into an impossibly small gap or to congratulate someone who has just achieved this. In chorus (or otherwise) at weddings, funerals, religious and non-religious events, at incidental road-side gatherings of two or more people or to show national/regional solidarity. To test the horn is working. To show displeasure, pleasure, boredom or apathy. At the commencement or termination of journey. As an apology, admission or denial of wrong-doing. Accidentally – to be followed by blasts of apology. To ask WTF – hold down as long as required. To prove you are in a traffic jam or your car has been halted from its onward journey for more than 4 seconds.
Question 2: How much space should a driver leave when reverse parking?
Answer: Reverse parking is for infidels. The correct procedure is to double, triple or quadruple park. Use the pavement if the street is blocked. Distance between parked vehicles should be from minus 50 millimetres to a maximum of three centimetres.
Question 3: What is the speed limit in towns and cities?
Answer: As fast as needed to complete your required journey.
Question 4: When is it appropriate to pass another vehicle in a built-up area?
Answer: It is always possible to pass another vehicle or horse/donkey-drawn cart/carriage using the government-approved ‘veer-not-steer’ technique. Steering is heinous Western propaganda and simply does not work on Egyptian roads. Veering is more efficient, saving energy in the hot sun and leaving at least one hand free to complete other in-car responsibilities such as smoking, honking and/or gesticulating wildly. It is recommended that you line up your veer using a point of reference: another vehicle, a scurrying pedestrian or a disinterested donkey. Yanking the steering wheel with all Allah’s might at the last possible second will bring desired results, use the other side of the road for as long as required to complete this. The sound of howling tires followed by a symphony of horns will indicate you have followed the technique correctly. NB: After dark this is best achieved with your vehicle’s lights either off entirely or on high beam.
Question 5: What modifications can you make to a vehicle?
Answer: Anything that will increase or decrease the vehicle/motorcycles’ sound, speed, carrying capacity, shelf life or attraction to the opposite (or same) sex (in a wholesome Halal way, of course). Badly translated English stickers, police-style sirens, Micky and Minnie Mouse seat covers and animal-print anything are big this year – and last. Speakers and strobe lighting are recommended for motorcycles.
Question 6: What is the suggested vehicle passenger capacity?
Answer: Five-door saloon (7-10), motorcycle (2-5), mini-van ‘Hiace’ (no suggested limit); pick-up truck/utility vehicle (driver’s discretion remembering that occupants need to hold on to the vehicle with one hand – most of the time); donkey-drawn cart (family plus generously-stacked unsecured load).
Steve Madgwick
